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This is the writing of the whiner's bio
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[25 Oct 2008|08:13pm] |
I don't know what I want anymore.
My stategy so far?
Denial.
Time to drink away the confusion.
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[07 Oct 2008|12:29am] |
My dad is having heart problems.
He is in the hospital.
All tests are coming back fine and free of worry.
But they kept him overnight.
Tomorrow he is having more tests.
I can't handle this at all.
I can't get my mind off this.
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[06 Oct 2008|04:53pm] |
the one thing i wanted so badly with college in a new city is a complete new start with new people.
its only been a month in and i already have someone i consider one of my best friends.
we barely know each other yet we can sit in the hall and talk for hours alone.
instead of sleeping and doing our homework, we drink tea and converse until 4am.
and i can already text him and say "can i maybe complain to you about something?" and he quickly replies "please do."
its just such an exciting feeling already having such a great friendship with someone new.
especially since it is so hard being away from the people that i love and cherish.
i love it here.
i love the cold weather.
i love my dorm apartment.
i love my roommates.
i love the boys next door.
i love how josh and i are only getting stronger.
i love new obsessions.
i love weird ass nights.
i love circle of death.
i love being so close to my siblings.
i love it all.
i'm going to go out in this wonderful city and photograph it.
because though i'd rather lay on my bed, nap, and watch heroes, i just want to soak up chicago right now.
so i'm going to.
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[26 Sep 2008|02:49pm] |
why the hell am i this way?
i tried so hard to be cool and people that just met me are tip toeing around me and keeping things from me like i am a mother.
do i give off some vibe?
i don't give a shit what anyone does. not even a little bit. it is your life and i respect that. just don't fucking lie to me or treat me like i am close minded or dumb.
i give up.
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[01 Sep 2008|01:04pm] |
i rarely use this anymore.
if anyone still wants to know whats going on in my life comment your email and i will give you my blog.
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[22 Aug 2008|06:17pm] |
i got on a plane today. my final plane.
i teared up leaving sarasota.
then i started getting so excited.
i landed. i was full of smiles.
i went to get my luggage.
my camera was gone.
we left it on the plane.
we did everything we could.
nothing.
its gone.
some asshole took it.
some asshole took my camera full of my last pictures with my friends (which i had yet to put on my computer) and peace pins.
some asshole is carrying around my camera and not feeling guilty.
i've just barely stopped crying.
i feel so used and alone.
and i already have negative feelings for this city.
what was supposed to be one of the best moments ever was so far from it.
i'm trying to get positive, but its hard.
yes i will get another camera. yes i will move on.
but not even an hour into my new life i lost my reason for coming to this city.
shit is not fair.
not at all.
its only up from here.
right?
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[21 Aug 2008|02:25am] |
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goodbyes i expected to be hard were not.
i wish he would have gotten closer to me.
he has no idea how much i loved having him in my life the past 3 years.
i think i'll write him a message.
then some were.
i cried saying goodbye to dan, vlad and ashley.
even though i barely saw vlad and ashley this summer, i know they loved me so much.
and dan. oh dan. words cannot express how much i'll miss that boy.
then i spent my evening with stephanie and shawn.
they make me feel more alive than everyone else combined.
i feel at my best with them.
my throat is so tight knowing in only hours i will be hugging them for the last time.
that'll be the hardest.
today was hard.
tomorrow will be hard.
i wanna call it off.
you hear me?
I WANNA CALL IT OFF.
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[08 Aug 2008|12:17am] |
i want to get out of this town right now and get to chicago.
everything is just going so perfectly.
i've got my 2 best girls. my best guy. and now my best roommate.
i love her so much. tonight we realized we are twins on everything. its almost creepy.
i'm so excited and ready.
soon i'll be making new amazing life long friends.
and i will never sit alone at home feeling like i have nothing to do or go or anyone to call.
i'll be in my favorite city across from my favorite park, half hour away from my big brother, 2 hours away from my big sister and brother in law, with my best friends, with my camera in hand and a new breeze in my face.
the one side affect? leaving so far behind the 2 most amazing parents alive.
i'm excited.
i'm scared out of my mind.
but i know i can do it.
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[05 Aug 2008|04:35pm] |
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FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
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[01 Aug 2008|04:37am] |
tonight i sat on a dock at island park with two wonderful people and talked about life for hours.
i love nights when i'm reminded that srq does still have some amazing people in it.
true, honest beautiful people.
i'm leaving behind a handful of people that i will genuinely miss.
the rest i'm not even going to pretend anymore.
i'm not in highschool anymore. i never have to see you again.
and i finally don't care if that seems asshole-ish.
it's my life. and i'm so tired of still smiling at people that have made me feel insignificant and doubt myself.
i've got 3 weeks left.
bring it.
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[29 Jul 2008|12:37am] |
Relationships are more important to you now than ever, for you are working through very deep-rooted issues. Your current expectations may be based on lessons you learned in your childhood or even from early family dynamics. Understanding where you come from can clear your current perspective of unrealistic dreams that only set you up for disappointment. Engage in social activities without trying to turn them into anything but the simple pleasures that they are.
shit, how can that be so right? wow.
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[24 Jul 2008|11:10pm] |
Your key planet Venus could trick you into wanting a luxury item that you don't really need. Then again, attractive Venus is in your 11th House of Friends and Associates, so others could try to get you involved in something that just doesn't sound right to you. Don't bother trying to justify your actions today; just trust the intuitive hits you receive and act on them.
i think i know what i need to do.
but, god, i really don't want to.
i'm so lost.
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[24 Jul 2008|01:27am] |
Your smile still warms my heart.
But I'm not sure if in the same way as it used to.
I'm laying in a bed with joshs mom. Everyone is asleep. Not me.
I want to go home.
I'm getting no sleep tonight.
itouch please don't die.
And the snoring begins.
Oh god I want to go home.
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[14 Jul 2008|02:11am] |
and just like that something switched in me.
like a light bulb came on in my head.
i don't deserve that.
i never have.
i don't deserve this.
for the first time in a long long time, i feel okay.
i feel okay.
my last tear dropped.
i've shed so many in these last two years.
and i'm sick of doing it.
where does this leave us?
i'm not sure.
i called to say i love you and shower you with compliments.
i ended saying, no, i don't deserve to look like the bad guy.
hell no.
do i still love you?
somehow, yes.
but, i'm going on.
I’ve seen it with my own eyes
How we’re gettin’ otherwise
Without the luxury of leavin’
The touch and feeling of free is
Untangible technically
Something you’ve got to believe in
Connect the cause and effect
One foot in front of the next
This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.
And you can stand right there if you want
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
To a place in the sun that’s nice and warm
I’m going on
And I’m sure they’ll have a place for you too oohoohoo
Anyone that needs what they want, and doesn’t want what they need
I want nothing to do with
And to do what I want
And to do what I please
Is first of my to-do list
But every once in a while I think about her smile
One of the few things I do miss
But baby I‘ve to go
Baby I’ve got to know
Baby I’ve got to prove it
And I’ll see you when you get there
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
May my love lift you up to the place you belong
I’m going on
And I promise I’ll be waiting for you oohoohoo
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[10 Jul 2008|02:22am] |
orientation is the 15th. i'm starting to get very nervous.
am i going to make it at ccc?
am i going to be a good photographer?
am i going to have josh by my side?
mommy, just five more minutes years pleaseeee.
i'm really scared.
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[29 Jun 2008|07:51pm] |
life is falling apart.
this isn't how we planned it to be.
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[22 Jun 2008|09:04pm] |
i just had the best 4 days of my life.
day 1: josh all day/night in my house. it was perfect.
day 2: josh still. huge sleepover. aslan. best night ever.
day 3: josh, nate, dan all day. applebees with more for dinner. midnight movie. another smaller sleepover.
day 4 (today): house to myself.
it was so much fun. without alcohol. i hope we can have more days like them.
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[19 Jun 2008|02:58am] |
my parents are leaving tomorrow for 4 days.
i'll have the house all to myself.
its going to be a fun 4 days.
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| well its not "your crowd" ... |
[05 Jun 2008|11:54pm] |
you know, it doesn't even matter. i have him. and these past 3 days being with him every single moment have proven to me once again that he truly is my favorite, best and most important person in my life.
my world is crashing and burning but he is there holding me so tightly and securely. i'm not going to begin to stress over others. i am complete with him. and i don't have to leave him come august. i just have to walk down or up a flight of stairs.
call it an obsession or addiction. i don't care. but when the world decides to leave you, you gotta hold on to the one person standing strong.
so go have "your crowd." i'm more than perfectly happy with mine.
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[01 Jun 2008|11:47pm] |
now that i've graduated i actually do feel so different. even though it hasn't fully hit me yet, right now i have no reason to be here. nothing is keeping me here. i want out so badly.
i need new sites, new people and new adventures.
i'm so sick of this town and the events that go on.
i need my new beginning. and i need to figure out what all that entails.
this summer is going to be full of organizing my life to take it to the next step:
001. my mind
-reading, writing & discovering
002. my body
-ymca, beach & relaxation
003. my heart
-my parents, dog & friends
004. my belongings
-deconstructing my room & buying anew
005. my goals
-about him, about us & about me
i'm finally feeling ready for change.
someone make a note of that.
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